Fighting depression

I'm depressed today. This has been building for the past few days. I'm not sure whether there is any particular reason. Too much to do and not enough time? That doesn't explain it because sometimes I see it as a challenge. Hormones? I hope not, because it's the middle of the month. I don't want to be fighting off this malaise for two weeks.

It's almost a physical feeling. My brain keeps looking for reasons to be sad. I don't feel like doing anything. I made myself go to work today. I made myself eat dinner when I got home. I tried to help AF get JF ready for bed tonight, but I didn't do as much as I usually do. And I'm making myself write this post.

I feel like a battery that has run down. I need to be recharged, but I don't know how. What do people do to recharge themselves? Yes, I know people go on vacation, or engage in a hobby, or whatever, but how does that work? Why do these activities make people feel better about returning to their real lives afterwards?

My current theory is that these activities are simply distractions. We periodically distract ourselves from our problems, whether it's two weeks per year, two days per week, two hours per day, or two minutes per hour. When we recognize that our problems are starting to overwhelm us, we look for a way to take a break and distract ourselves. Then, hopefully, when the break is over, we come back to the same problem with a fresh mind (and body?), and are better able to cope with it. Theoretically.

This is also one of my favorite parenting techniques. When JF is upset about something, after I have sympathized with him for a little bit, I distract him. It helps a lot!

The next question, then, is how much distracting do we need? How can we make our self-distractions more effective? And I mean "effective" in the sense that the distractions have reduced our anxieties and made them easier to cope with. Is another problem an effective distraction, if it is a challenge that you feel you have a chance of mastering? Is a two-week vacation proportionately more effective than two hours of writing a blog post?

Every Friday, AF and I have the same conversation: "Hey, it's Friday!" "Yeah, it would be nice if that still meant something." AF has been working on the house for over a month now, and we have not taken any of our typical weekend-type breaks during that time. For AF, a typical weekend break is spending a day with his buddies at the gym. For me, it is spending a day reading a science-fiction or fantasy novel.

As a matter of fact, I think the last time I did that was before Thanksgiving last year.

No wonder I feel like crap.

Also, perhaps I had been concentrating on JF's surgery, as if nothing after that point mattered. Then I came back to work the day after his surgery, and it was the same old grindstone. I still had work to do!

Now, if I were my own psychologist, I would prescribe for myself a holiday. Just curl up with a good book and some hot tea, and ignore reality for a whole day.

I would love to, but...I can't. AF will be taking JF to the dentist tomorrow, and otherwise entertaining him so that I can catch up on our finances in Microsoft Money. Then on Sunday, it will be my turn to entertain JF while AF continues with his work on the house. Next weekend, we'll have the floors in the other half of the house refinished, so I'll have the boy both days.

If I took tomorrow off for leisure-reading, that would mean it will be at least a month between Microsoft Money updates. With all of the spending that we've been doing on the house, that scares me. And fear is stronger than this depression. So I will put off that book, indefinitely.

Since I don't have a specific date for leisure-book reading, I'm looking forward to our summer vacation with AF's family. AF has two brothers and two sisters, and each has a spouse and two kids. AF's nieces and nephews range in age from four to college-aged. This collection of families tries to do a vacation trip together every summer. Sometimes it's Knoebel's, a campground and amusement park in Pennsylvania. Sometimes it's Lake Rescue in Vermont. The last time we went to Vermont was before JF was born. (Maybe it was 2002?)

This summer, it's Vermont. It will be two weeks [correction, one week], at the end of July, beginning of August. The last time, all five families crammed into one big house, and tensions were high toward the end of it. This time, we have three new additions to the clan: JF and two of his cousins. So this summer, each family is renting it's own house.

By the time we go to Vermont, many of the things that I'm worried about now will have changed:

• The improvements to the house should be long done, and (hopefully) the house should be sold. We should have already moved to the Jessup house and settled in to a new routine.
• We should have seen at least two more doctors about JF's autism. (The developmental pediatrician that JF's PEP teacher had recommended, Dr. Chernoff, will see JF on 4/27. The DAN doctor will see JF on 6/8.)
• JF will also have had an MRI on his brain by then. (This is scheduled for 5/8. The neurologist finally answered my questions about using the MRI to look for ACM: She said it's standard to look for that kind of thing.)
• I might even have a different job by then.

I feel somewhat better now. I will try to think happy thoughts and go to bed. Maybe by tomorrow morning, the task of updating our finances (and surviving the next few weeks!) will feel more like a challenge than a burden.