In memory of my mom

This post is dedicated to my mom (1943-1993). This Monday will be the 14th anniversary of her death.

She was raised on a dairy farm in Pennsylvania. She milked cows in the morning before school, and once forgot to change her shoes in between.

She had four brothers and four sisters. They were descended from Irish immigrants.

She was very pious, and seriously considered becoming a nun.

She went to college. She met my dad at a beach party, where she was babysitting someone's children. My dad approached her and said, "Your children have the same beautiful blue eyes that you do."

She raised two sons and four daughters. The fourth daughter died as an infant of a liver problem. There were also miscarriages between the last daughter and the last son. She taught me how to change a diaper. When one of her children had a minor injury, she would rub it and say, "Beana beana basharoo." She taught me how to sing lullabies, including,

• "Tora lora lora"
• "When Irish eyes are smiling"
• "I gave my love a cherry without a stone"

For many years, she was a stay-at-home mom, tending the kids, the house, the laundry, and a vegetable garden, all without the benefit of the Internet, a microwave, a clothes dryer, or a telephone. She taught me how to hang clothes on the line, take them down, mend them, and fold them. She encouraged me to help her bake. She took me on long walks to visit neighbors.

Later, she worked as an assistant to elderly patients in their homes, in a hospital laundry department, in a newspaper advertising department, and in a grocery store. I eventually worked in the same grocery store, to earn money for college.

She was shy, focused on the needs of her family, and didn't have very many friends. One friend was a neighbor, NS.

Mom was almost 50 when she died in a car accident, on May 21, 1993. She and NS were on their way home from a grocery store. NS was driving Mom's car, and Mom was in the passenger seat. Two drivers were speeding along the highway, apparently drag-racing. One sped past. The other tried to avoid hitting my mom's car by swerving onto the shoulder, but NS had apparently moved to the shoulder at the same time.

Mom was pronounced dead at the scene. NS was in a coma for a few days before she died. We will never know exactly what happened that day.

I attended the last day of the trial with Dad. Both drivers had fled the scene, but one came back. The one who came back was the defendant. There was no evidence of alcohol. There was discussion about where on the road Mom's car was at the moment of impact, to determine whether any responsibility for the accident was on the part of NS.

The defendant's side of the story was this, as far as I can remember: He was a teacher, or was otherwise employed by the school. He had heard that a student was planning something, which involved driving out of state. He was worried, and followed that student, trying to catch up with him. When he caught up, they rolled down windows and had a conversation while speeding down the road. The older driver wanted the younger driver to pull over so they could talk. The younger driver refused to pull over. The older driver continued the high-speed conversation.

Hearing all of this, I was very angry. What could be so important that you must disregard the rules of the road and the safety of other drivers on that road? Why couldn't you just let the younger driver go? Why did my mom and her friend have to die?

After the trial was over, Dad approached the defendant and said, "For what it's worth, I forgive you." The man seemed grateful and gave Dad a hug. I'm proud of Dad for doing that.

Over the years, my anger has melted away. I still miss her dearly. I wish she could have attended my wedding. I missed her advice when I was pregnant and then when I was breastfeeding. I miss her now, as I consider what to do about my son's various illnesses. I still have dreams about her. The pain never goes away, but I've learned how to deal with it.

Recently, a friend of mine was involved in an accident where the other driver died. My friend had apparently been drinking. This accident brought back painful memories for me, but I wrote a post in support of my friend. I received some angry comments from friends/relatives of the deceased. I hope I responded appropriately.

On television, there is usually a good guy and a bad guy. It's black and white, with no gray in between. The bad guy is evil, through and through. The good guy is innocent of any wrong-doing. Both fictional programs and news programs portray people this way. The news about my friend's accident portrayed my friend as the bad guy, because he had killed someone by drinking and driving.

I believe that drunk driving is irresponsible and morally wrong, whether it results in an accident or not. I believe that the laws against it need to be stronger, to save more lives. But my friend is not evil, and I thought that someone should stand up in his support, to counter the news media. He is just like you and me, except that he made a deadly mistake. I'm hoping that he has learned from this mistake. I believe that he is paying for his mistake.

I hope that the friends and family of the man who died can someday find it in their hearts to forgive my friend.