Disciplining a 3.5-year-old

A few months ago, the issue was spitting. It started because we were trying to teach JF how to brush his teeth, and of course, one step is spitting into the sink. Unfortunately, he took a liking to spitting, anywhere, anytime. The daycare sent home a note that he was spitting on the table and smearing the spittle around like fingerpaint.

Each time we caught him spitting, we said, "No spitting here! Only in the sink!" and then either led him to the sink or distracted him. He gradually dropped this habit.

Then, a classmate of his in daycare was hitting, pinching, kicking, and generally being a wild child. Wild Child was kicked out of daycare, but not before making a big impression on JF. JF started hitting, pinching, kicking, and so on. But he always does it with a smile. He doesn't do it out of malice. We think he just doesn't know the difference between nice things like "Gimme five!" and mean things like a slap in the face. He also thinks it's funny. (Sometimes, even when I'm in pain, it's hard not to laugh with him.)

We tried the response that worked with the spitting: "No hitting!" and distraction. No dice.

We tried "No hitting!" and showing him how to be gentle (taking his hand and patting my face with it). No dice.

We tried "No hitting!" and walk away. The idea was that if he can't be nice to us, he won't enjoy our company. No dice.

We tried scaring him by yelling "No hitting!" at the top of our lungs. He laughed harder, which made us angry. We decided to drop that tactic because we were afraid of what we might do out of anger. (There's an Incredible Hulk in all of us: "Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.")

Our current strategy is "No hitting! If you hit me again, no more Thomas the Train!" and then follow through. The trick is to plan ahead. If I take away crayons, pencils, his magnetic drawing board, and play-dough, then there is nothing left for him to do during his twice-daily nebulizer treatment. If we threaten to take away his train just before bedtime, and he doesn't hit a second time, then we have to let him play with his train, even though it's bedtime. So the only thing that we can take away from him at bedtime is his bedtime music (lullaby CDs).

I'm not sure whether this is working.

His PEP teacher said we should (1) say "No hitting!" and show him how to use gentle hands, as we had tried before, (2) if he continues to hit, send him to a "get ready" chair, and (3) if he continues to hit or won't stay in the chair, then take away a favorite toy. The "get ready" chair seems like a good idea, except that most of the time when JF hits me, it's when I'm trying to get him ready in the morning (I don't want to be late for work), or I'm sitting with him while he sits on the potty (I don't want him to pee on the "get ready" chair), or I'm getting him ready for bed (I don't want him to lose sleep).

His PEP teacher also suggested we show him picture communication symbols for "No hitting!" and "Gentle hands" to help him understand visually. She said she would send these symbols home with him, so we're waiting for that.

I saw a bumper sticker once that said, "Please be patient with me. God isn't finished with me yet." JF will eventually drop this bad behavior, but in the meantime, we have to be patient with him.

1/12/06 update: I attended an autism support group last night, and there were two suggestions: (1) Catch him being good/gentle and praise him for it. We've been doing that, but now I'll do it more! (2) When I'm getting him ready for school or bedtime, I should try to keep myself calm, because he will pick up on my anxiety. He might be hitting me because he doesn't know how to handle the anxiety. If I get worked up and/or he hits me, I should take a deep calming breath, and teach him the same. I was trying both ideas this morning, and maybe they worked, because he hit me only once.

The PEP teacher said that I really must use the "get ready" idea, but it could be a "get ready" spot in the bathroom that he stands in, long enough to say "Sorry, momma". He shouldn't be allowed to get out of activities just by hitting me. I tried that this morning, too, and maybe it helped, because he didn't hit me again.