An update on JF

JF was very good yesterday. We attended a birthday party for a three-year-old. He peed on the potty twice at the birthday-girl's house! Afterwards, since we were in the neighborhood, we visited two of my husband's siblings and their families. At the first one, JF peed on the potty twice again! He stayed in a good mood all day and didn't hit anyone.

Today, he wasn't as good. It started off well, with two successes on the potty. In fact, the second success happened after JF said, "More potty please?" I think that's the first time he has ever initiated a potty-sitting. Maybe it means he's starting to recognize the urge to pee. But then I started getting him dressed (intending to take him the indoor play area at the mall), and he hit me. I tried the "get ready" chair, as his PEP teacher had suggested. He hit me again. "Okay, no mall!" He didn't seem to care.

I'm beginning to see that JF's habit of hitting and pinching me is a response to my own tension. I get all worked up, impatient with him. It was hard to see this at first, because he always does it with a smile, as if he's doing it just for fun, or as a backwards sign of affection.

When I'm helping him get dressed, I always try to strike a balance between doing too much for him and expecting too much of him. If I hand him each article of clothing in a certain way, he can usually put it on by himself. He still needs a little help with socks and Velcro shoes. He sometimes needs to be reminded to sit down before attempting to put on underwear or pants. He can take off most articles of clothing by himself, but he still needs help removing shirt sleeves and socks. He has come a long way over the past few months, little by little.

After he puts on each article, I clap and say something like, "Yay! You put it on by yourself! Good job!" I make a big deal about it to reward him for his success, and he seems to appreciate it.

The problem is that he will take the article of clothing from me, and act like he's going to put it on, and then he gets distracted by a dust mote on the floor, which suddenly became very fascinating. He's testing me, and I know it. ("What happens if don't do what Momma wants?") My response has been to try to bring his attention back to the task at hand. I might point to the forgotten article of clothing (if it's still in his hands) or hand it to him again. Or I might take away the thing that is distracting him (if I can). Or I might say his name, louder and louder until he responds. Very rarely, I might get fed up and put the darn thing on him myself.

By the time he's almost fully dressed, out of nowhere, wham! He smacks my cheek with the flat of his hand. And it hurts. He's apparently had enough of my tension. How can I get him dressed without triggering this response?

I read somewhere, "If you act like you have only fifteen minutes, he'll take all day. If you act like you have all day, he'll take fifteen minutes." Maybe I should just hand him each article, stand back, and keep my mouth shut until he's put it on. I'm afraid he might sit there, buck naked, playing to his heart's content until the cows come home. I'll try this, but it will be hard to do. I will also ask his PEP teacher what she thinks of the tension-trigger theory.

In other news: Last night I bought three books using gift cards from Christmas and my birthday:

• Autism Spectrum Disorders by Chantal Sicile-Kira.
• Thinking in Pictures by Temple Grandin
• Toilet Training by Vicky Lansky (This is actually two books in one, with Koko Bear's New Potty by the same author.)

Did I buy any books for me? No, because I couldn't find my book inventory. I can't stand buying a book and then finding out that I already have it.

I intend to post whether any of these are helpful to me, when I've finished reading them. I've already read the first three chapters of Autism Spectrum Disorders. From my other research, I had been thinking that JF might have Asperger's (or PDD-NOS). This book has slightly different definitions of the five diagnoses in the spectrum, so now I'm thinking he has classic autism (or PDD-NOS), for the following reasons:

• The definition for Asperger's includes, "...has no clinically significant general delay in language." JF definitely has a language delay.
• I'd had the impression from my other research that a child with classic autism completely blocks out the world. I thought, my son can't have classic autism, because he does smile, laugh, hug, and so on. Perhaps I'm guilty of an over-generalization in this case, because this book's definition of classic autism includes, "...shows impairments in...social interaction" which is fitting in JF's case, and a far cry from completely blocking out the world.

I've also read the Koko Bear book to JF, while he was on the potty, and he seemed to like it. I like the fact that Koko's gender is not specified. Koko could be a girl bear or a boy bear. It's hard to avoid saying "he" or "she" throughout a book, but Vicky Lansky did it!