Considering a job change

To take my mind off of worrying about JF, I'll write about something that has been on my mind for a long time. I need to find another job and quit my current one. Preferably in that order.

I hate changing jobs, and I've been told that I'm tenacious. Once I sink my teeth into a challenge, I have a hard time letting go. So you would think that my current job would have to be Hell on Earth to persuade me to look elsewhere. But no, it's more like Purgatory.

Perhaps this will make more sense if I start from the beginning. (I'll try not to be too verbose.)

When I was in grade school, I often escaped from reality by reading science fiction and fantasy. I think much of who I am today came from these books, because my favorite authors used the fiction medium to explore issues of morality. I wanted to be like these authors when I grew up. I wanted to do the same for other people that these authors did for me.

When I attended college, I gradually came to accept the fact that I wouldn't be able to earn a living from writing fiction, fresh out of college. So my plan was to start some other career and use that as a stepping-stone to my fiction career. That stepping-stone career turned out to be technical writing for various software companies.

I intended to develop a habit of writing for an hour every day, and sending short stories to magazines. I did manage to send short stories to a couple of magazine contests, but I never won anything. I also never did manage to keep the habit of writing for an hour every day. The problem wasn't writer's block. Instead, my problem was the opposite. Once I started writing, I found it hard to stop. (Still do. Can you tell?)

So, for a few days in a row, I would be up late writing for hours on end. Then, something would happen to interrupt the daily writing habit, and then it would take weeks or months for me to try again.

Then, after I had been a technical writer for seven years, my son was born. JF was a relatively easy baby (and I love him more than words can say). I stayed home for twelve weeks, the maximum under which the law guarantees I could come back to the same job. My husband became a stay-at-home dad the moment JF was born and didn't go back to work until JF was two and a half. You would think, under these conditions, that I would be able to continue trying to write for an hour every day. Where there is a will, there is a way.

No dice. It was all I could do to keep up with the top-priority stuff, like breast-feeding and pumping, going to work, and getting enough sleep at night. There was no way I could squeeze in time to read fiction, much less write it.

I came to realize that I was trying to fit three things where only two can possibly fit: Motherhood, my job as a technical writer, and a fiction writing career. I gave up on the fiction writing, putting it on a "back-burner" at least until my son, and any other children I might have, are old enough to take care of themselves.

So I started re-evaluating what I really wanted to do with my life. I want to help people. After all, isn't that why we're all here? To help each other? I decided to look for some way to earn a living helping people, without the extreme ramp-up time required for fiction writing.

Technical writing for software companies doesn't really fit the bill. The guides and online help that I've written or updated probably have helped a few people while they are at work, but I have very little idea what they are doing with my assistance. Are they trying to find a cure for cancer? Or are they finding new ways to rip people off?

Call me cynical, but I'm willing to bet it's more often the latter. Add to that, I don't trust the upper management at the software company where I currently work. I'm not sure that I trust upper management at any software company any more. They seem to consider only the bottom line, and nothing else.

I considered changing to an urban planning career. The idea of planning roads and public facilities appeals to me, like a bigger-than-life puzzle. But then I was told that urban planners face a lot of disappointment: They work hard to produce a plan, only to have some politician shoot it down.

I considered becoming a software engineer. Software engineers earn more respect (and money) than tech writers, and have more control over what they produce. But I would have to go back to school, which would be just as time-consuming as starting a fiction career.

Meanwhile, my boss was the best boss ever, but she didn't want to be a manager. She even arranged for another manager to take her place, so that she could take a demotion and be a writer like me, one of the grunt workers. Then the company reorganized, splitting my department into two, and my boss was promoted back to manager status again. She found a better job and quit.

We hired another writer to replace her. Because of budget constraints, she was hired as a team-lead, rather than a manager. But she became our manager in all but name. After a year, she also quit. I've lost two great managers in two years.

That's just the tip of the iceburg. Many other things have frustrated me about this job, but I can't really go into any details. Meanwhile, I keep my nose to the grindstone and try to produce quality work, despite the frustrations. Every morning, I dutifully drag my butt into the office, but I really don't want to be there any more.

However, I have not been actively looking for another job. Why not? Partly because of my tenacity. Partly because I really don't know what kind of job would satisfy me. Partly because it's been eight years since I changed jobs, and the prospect scares me to death. Partly because I imagine an interviewer asking me why I want to change jobs, and I'm afraid that all of my honest answers would give them the wrong impression of me. Just writing about this makes my hands shake.

I can understand why some women remain in abusive relationships. Better the devil you know, right?

So, I've been praying for divine guidance. "Help me figure out what I should do."

Then, my husband's brother asked whether we want to buy their Jessup house. If we bought this house, my commute would be at least an hour long each way. This house appeals to us for many reasons, but it also appeals to me because it would give me a more acceptable reason to quit my current job.

Then, I was diagnosed with a brain malformation (Arnold Chiari Malformation Type I). I hypothesized that if I have it, my son might also have it, and it might explain his developmental delay. This hypothesis led me to DDM's blog, which introduced me to the world of blogging. I found many blogs by parents of children on the autism spectrum and other children with special needs. I started to learn more about autism and other medical issues. It became a new puzzle for me to chew on.

Then, I opened a fortune cookie. It said, "You could prosper in the field of medical research."

Is this the answer I was looking for?

We're waiting to find out whether we can afford to buy the Jessup house. If we can buy it, I intend to endure the long commute until we have finished our current software release. (I don't want to abandon my co-workers when they need me the most.) I might have to endure it for several months.

Then, I'll start actively looking for another job. Perhaps I will find a writing job in the medical research field. Perhaps it will even be an autism-related job. That would be ideal.

I hope my current plan is appropriate. I hope I'm doing the right thing.